Helpful Tips: Do you think your partner is cheating?

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1. Does he/she give you a home phone number and cellular number?

2. Does he/she give you a home address and have you been there?

3.  Have you met his/her family? If not, why?

4. Have you met his/her friends? If not, why?

5.  Can you call him/her anytime you want?

6.  Does his/her stories add up – think carefully?

7. Is he/she always busy working or traveling and have no time for you?

8. Does he/she spend the whole night with you?

9. Do you know where he/she works? Can you drop by for lunch or call him/her while they are at work?

OPEN YOUR EYES AND LOOK AT THE SIGNS!  DON’T IGNORE THEM U WILL BE CHEATING YOURSELF. 

 


I’m married or living with my partner, I suspect they are cheating, what should I do?

Investigate!

1. Be prepared to hear the results of your own investigation. They might not be what you want to know but NEED to know.

2. Are you prepared for the life change?

3. What are you going to do if you find that they are cheating on you?

4. Do you have any money put away? If not it may be a good idea to start a little fund.

5. Do you plan on divorcing? Trying marriage counseling?

6. If you’re a stay at home mom, think about getting a job, what will you do?

7. Worried about how you will take care of your family? Learn how to sell on Ebay. We’ll show you how to get started and how you can turn this into a part-time job or a full time job while staying home with the kids.  Virtually no investment is required, most of us can start by selling what we already have (used clothing, household items, unused gifts etc.)

We are here to help you.

All Emails will be kept confidential. If you need advise or would like to have your email listed in our testimonial section please state that in your email. We will answer all emails with in 24 hours. Please be patient, we are receiving a tremendous amount of support for our cause.

We are looking forward to hearing from you. If you know of anyone that could use our service, please have them get in contact with us. If we all stick together we can save each other the stress of having to deal with these Cheaters and Liars.

An internet affair…again?

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Dear Dr. Bob,

I have been married for 10 months now. I met my wife playing spades on the internet then we started talking on the phone for hours and hours until I left CA. and moved to TN. with her we have a good relationship but now she spends so much time on the internet that’s making me worried and I don’t like it when she talks in IM’s to strange guys or gets too close online with them. What should I do? the only thing we fight about is that I asked her many times not to get close to guys on the spades games and she tells me I’m being jealous she hides her computer so I can’t see what she is doing on there. All I hear is her typing on it in games you click the mouse not type as much as she does she was under her screen name on my computer so I looked at her mail I saw something that is bugging me very much i saw that she had been talking to this guy and was telling him that she was going to call him when i go to work what should I do?

My response:

As Yogi Berra once said, �This must seem like deja vu all over again.� Does it certainly appear that her behavior now on the net finds some parallels with how your relationship with her started? And, of course, you have a right to be concerned � here she goes again!

You describe behavior that could be labeled �addictive.� Her focal point becomes these relationships that generate excitement, intrigue and fantasies? She seemingly can�t keep her fingers off the keyboard? Other parts of her life take a back seat? And, she denies that she has a problem or minimizes her activities � she�s not doing anything wrong!

Please understand that usually, beneath this minimization, are some guilt and shame and a part of her that is truly looking for something else. And, you want her to find that �something else� with you�not in a series of net/phone �romances.�

Confronting, pleading and arguing won’t work. She will resist, retreat to her keyboard and you will feel increasingly frustrated and alone.

I suggest you start with a tactic I call, �problemize.� Periodically make comments about the problem(s) you see. MAKE SURE you use words, tone of voice and body language that convey acceptance, concern and lack a tone of judgment, condemnation or a sense of superiority.

For example: �Does it ever seem to you that you are going through the same thing now as when you first met me?� �Do you ever stop to think what impact your net/phone relationships will have on our relationship?� �Do you ever think there is more to life than meeting someone on the net?� �You must get a �high� out of these relationships?� �I wonder what you are REALLY looking for?�

�I wonder what I eventually will do with this.� �I wonder if you will always be looking?�

Get the idea? Leave a question in your voice. Open the door for her to talk and explore. This is your first step. If, over time, her actions persist, begin to think about what you are willing to tolerate and what actions you may need to take. But, first, �problemize� and see where that goes.

46 Clues That Indicates Your Partner is Cheating On You!

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Some of these signs of a cheating spouse are ‘tongue in cheek’ while others are telltale signs that commonly appear with an extramarital affair. There is no copyright. Feel free to forward to those who might be interested. But please don’t change anything.

Signs of a Cheating Spouse:

1) You find birth-control pills in her medicine cabinet, and you’ve had a vasectomy.

2) Mutual friends start acting strangely toward you. (They either know about the cheating or have been told stories about what a horrible wife or girlfriend you are.)

3) Your cheating husband or wife stops confiding in you and seeking advice from you.

4) Sets up a new e-mail account and doesn’t tell you about it.

5) He leaves the house in the morning smelling like Irish Spring and returns in the evening smelling like Safeguard.

6) She joins the gym and begins a rigorous workout program.

7) She buys a cell phone and doesn’t let you know.

8) He sets up a separate cell phone account that is billed to his office.

9) The cheating husband carries condoms, and you are on the pill.

10) Begins to delete all incoming phone calls from the caller ID.

11) Deletes all incoming e-mails when they used to accumulate.

12) He becomes ‘accusatory,’ asking if you are being true to him, usually out of guilt.

13) Raises hypothetical questions such as, ‘Do you think it’s possible to love more than one person at a time?’

14) He buys himself new underwear.

15) He insists the child seat, toys, etc., are kept out of his car.

16) The cheating wife stops wearing her wedding ring.

17) Has a sudden desire to be helpful with the laundry.

18) Has unexplained scratches or bruises on his or her neck or back.

19) Suddenly wants to try new love techniques.

20) He/she fairly suddenly stops having sex with you.

21) He/she suddenly wants more sex, more often.

22) Supposedly works a lot of overtime, but it never shows up on the pay stub.

23) Picks fights in order to stomp out of the house.

24) You find out by accident he or she took vacation day or personal time off from work – but supposedly worked on those days.

25) Shows a sudden interest in a different type of music.

26) Spouse’s co-workers are uncomfortable in your presence.

27) Has a sudden preoccupation with his or her appearance.

28) Spends an excessive amount of time on the computer, especially after you have gone to bed.

29) He throws up a lot because he just ate at his mistress’s house and had to eat the dinner you prepared when he got home.

30) Your spouse is away from home, either nights or on trips, more than previously.

31) His/her clothes smell of an unfamiliar perfume or after-shave. You see lipstick on your husband’s shirt.

32) The amount of money being deposited into your checking account drops off.

33) You find items of intimate apparel or other small gift-type items that you did not give your spouse.

34) Your spouse seems less comfortable around you and is ‘touchy’ and easily moved to anger.

35) You get calls where the caller hangs up when he or she hears your voice.

36) He/she loses attention in the activities in the home.

37) Your intuition (gut feeling) tells you that something is not right.

38) He/she has a definite change in attitude towards everyone in the home.

39) She uses a low voice or whisper on the phone or hangs up quickly.

40) She has a ‘glow’ about her.

41) Atypical erratic behavior.

42) He sneaks out of the house.

43) She sleeps with her purse by the bed.

44) She goes to the store for groceries and comes home 5 hours later.

45) He tells you that you can get hold of him at a different telephone number.

46) The telltale sign of a cheating spouse? Having to ask that question in the first place.

Extramarital Affairs: What, Why & How?

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Recent statistics suggest that 40% of women (and that number is increasing) and 60% of men at one point indulge in extramarital affairs. Put those numbers together and it is estimated that 80% of the marriages will have one spouse at one point or another involved in marital infidelity.

That may seem like a very steep number. However after two decades plus of full time work as a marriage and family therapist, I don’t believe that number is off the charts. I worked with a great number of people involved in infidelity who were never discovered.

The possibility that someone close to you is or soon will be involved in an extramarital affair (any of the three parties) is extremely high.

Maybe you will know. You will see telltale signs. You will notice changes in the person’s habits and behavioral patterns as well as a detachment, lack of focus and reduced productivity. Maybe you will sense something ‘out of character’ but be unable to pinpoint what it is.

It is not a given that he/she will tell you. Those hiding the affair will continue to hide. The ‘victim’ of the extramarital affair often, at least initially, is racked with anger, hurt, embarrassment and thoughts of failing that preclude divulging the crisis.

It might be important to confront the person with your observations, depending on the status of your relationship with the person.

It is important to understand that extramarital affairs are different and serve different purposes.

Out of my study and experience with hundreds of couples I’ve identified 7 different kinds of infidelity.

Briefly, some extramarital affairs are reactivity to a perceived lack of intimacy in the marriage. Others arise out of addictive tendencies or a history of sexual confusion or trauma.

Some in our culture play out issues of entitlement and power by becoming ‘trophy chasers.’ This ‘boys will be boys’ mentality is subtly encouraged in some contexts. Some become involved in marital infidelity because of a high need for drama and excitement and are enthralled with the idea of ‘being in love’ and having that ‘loving feeling.’

An extramarital affair might be for revenge either because the spouse did or did not do something. Or the revenge may stem from rage. Although revenge is the motive for both, they look and feel very different.

Another form of infidelity serves the purpose of affirming personal desirability. A nagging question of being ‘OK’ may lead to usually a short-term and one-person affair. And finally, some affairs are a dance that attempts to balance needs for distance and intimacy in the marriage, often with collusion from the spouse.

What Everyone Needs to Know About Extramarital Affairs…and what you can do to help

The prognosis for survivability of the marriage is different for each. Some affairs are the best thing that happens to a marriage. Others serve a death knell. As well, different extramarital affairs demand different strategies on the part of the spouse or others. Some demand toughness and movement. Others demand patience and understanding.

The emotional impact of the discovery of infidelity is usually profound. Days and weeks of sleeplessness, rumination, fantasies (many sexual) and unproductivity follow. It typically takes 2 � 4 years to ‘work through’ the implications. A good coach or therapist can accelerate and mollify the process. I don’t recommend ‘marriage’ counseling, at least initially.

The devastating emotional impact results from a couple powerful dynamics. Trust is shattered � of one’s ability to discern the truth. The most important step is NOT to learn to trust the other person, but to learn to trust one’s self. Another is the power that a secret plays in relationships. THE secret exacts an emotional and sometimes physical toll that needs to be acknowledged and dealt with.

How can you help?

Those in the midst of their affair crisis told me they need this from you:

1. Sometimes I want to vent, get it out without censor. I know sometimes I will say what I shouldn’t be saying. It may not be nice, pretty or mild. Please know that I know better, but I need to get it off my chest.

2. Every so often I want to hear something like, ‘This too shall pass.’ Remind me that this is not forever.

3. I want to be validated. I want to know that I am OK. You can best do that by nodding acceptance when I talk about the pain or confusion.

4. I want to hear sometimes, ‘What are you learning? What are you doing to take care of yourself?’ I may need that little jolt that moves me beyond my pain to see the larger picture.

5. I may want space. I may want you to be quiet and patient as I attempt to sort through and express my thoughts and feelings. Give me some time to stammer, stutter and stumble my way through this.

6. I want someone to point out some new options or different roads that I might take. But before you do this, make sure I am first heard and validated.

7. When they pop into your mind, recommend books or other resources that you think I might find helpful.

8. I want to hear every so often, ‘How’s it going?’ And, I may want this to be more than an informal greeting. Give me time and space to let you know exactly how it IS going.

9. I want you to understand and welcome the ambivalent feelings and desires. I would like you to be fairly comfortable with the gray areas and the contradictions about how I feel and what I may want.

10. I want you to be predictable. I want to be able to count on you to be there, listen and speak consistently or let me know when you are unable to do that. I will honor that.

Extramarital affairs are powerful. Affairs are costly. They affect family, friends, colleagues and employers. Infidelity is also an opportunity � to redesign one’s life and love relationships in ways that create honor, joy and true intimacy.